I had a coworker once that I had a very good friendship with. She was caught up in a dilemma. I remember having constant conversations about her needing to move on from starting a relationship with a man that she was so blinded in love with. She knew she could never really have him or be ever really be with him. They were both married at the time and he would tell her all these things that made her feel good. It was things that she wanted to hear because she was missing this in her marriage. It just made me think, why is it that as women sometimes, we allow our emotions to overtake us to the point that we act outside of who we really are?
Why is it that we subject ourselves to relationships that will never bloom because the soil that it was planted in is actually sand from the beach? If you know anything about planting, then you know plants need soil to grow, not sand. Relationships are the same. If it isn’t started on the right foundation, it is only a matter of time before cracks start to appear. If you have ever found yourself in this situation and want to move on, let’s have some real girlfriend talk to help you do just that.
The Feeling of Unrequited Love
What is this feeling of unrequited love? What is unrequited love? To be honest, I have never even heard of unrequited love until recently. Unrequited love is actually having strong romantic feelings toward someone else who does not feel the same way. It is an extremely one-sided experience that can leave you with feelings of pain, grief, and sometimes even shame.
One thing I will say about this is that sometimes, you just fall in love with the wrong person. Sometimes, you’re just so in love that you’re blinded in love. There is no shame to be had about having the bravery to fall in love. Being in love can be a scary thing because you have to choose to trust someone else with your heart. You have to choose to believe that they will value your heart and value you as a mate, a partner, or a potential soul mate. The unfortunate thing about love though is that there are no guarantees.
There is no guarantee that this person that you have chosen to share your love with will honestly give the same back in return. There is no guarantee that it will always be sunshine and rainbows. There is no guarantee that you will never be disappointed by this person either. It is all wrapped up in trust. So, you decide to trust someone, give that person your love, and this person chooses not to give it in return for whatever reason.
Maybe this person just isn’t honest and was never serious about ever moving forward from the onset. Maybe it is a long-time friend, and you both decided to take things further and after doing so the interest isn’t there anymore. Maybe you thought you found your person, but the individual was dishonest the entire time and was already in a marriage or relationship.
Maybe you are the person that pursued the relationship and now it isn’t what you want. There are so many different scenarios that this could lend itself to. However, at the end of the day, it’s a relationship that can’t thrive and is an unrequited love.
You have two choices. You can choose to love yourself and your heart more. You can choose to value yourself. You can choose to make a decision to put in the work and time to get healing of a broken heart and move on. The second choice is not to show love to yourself and your heart. You can choose not to value your time, love, and energy.
You can choose to continue pursuing this relationship that will not have the outcome that you are seeking or the love that you are desiring. I pray that you know these 3 things: Know your true value because you are priceless. Know your true worth because you are worthy of the love that’s patient and kind. Know your beauty because you are beautiful inside and out. Never give power to another person to decide your worth. You are priceless! Anyone that doesn’t see that, believes that, and shows you that are not worthy of your time, your energy, your space, and most certainly not your love.
Unrequited love may not always be clear, especially when you’re love blinded desiring someone that you want so badly to feel the same way because you think, emotionally this will make you feel better. Just know that it won’t. However, if you choose yourself, instead of continuing with unrequited love, over time you will heal from your broken heart, feel better and be in a better place emotionally with your heart.
I remember growing up when I was in high school and I experienced unrequited love. Yes, high school. You remember when you were in high school. Those are the years that you “think” you are with the man you will be with for the rest of your life. Not that this isn’t true, but it’s a unicorn story. Put plain and simple, this happens, but is quite rare.
I liked this guy so much and in my teenage, young mind, I thought I “loved” him so much. He said all the right things, but his actions were all wrong; the words and the actions didn’t match in the slightest.
I remember talking to my dad about it and his response was always something of the sort, ” He doesn’t like you, you need to move on.” I thought he doesn’t know what he was talking about. For an entire six months, it went on this way.
I remember the final time I had this discussion with my dad about this guy that I liked so much, but it felt one-sided because it was one-sided, I will never forget he said to me, ” Look, girl! He doesn’t want you!!! Get that through your head!” Now, of course, I was so hurt and ran off crying which he had to come to fix later. When I look back on it now, it’s funny, but at that time it was far from comical as blinded in love teenage girl.
Once the dust settled, I had time to really think about that. I was forced to deal with the hard truth that was in front of me. The hard truth that had always been in front of me. I had to value myself as a young woman, trying to navigate her way in love and relationships at a young age.
I had to learn the importance, even then of valuing myself more than another person. I had to learn the signs of when feelings were mutual and when they were not. I look back as an adult and I appreciate that moment that my dad. He had to shake me awake with his words so that I would see and accept the reality.
Sometimes, it takes being shaken awake to see the reality. Once you are shaken and you are woke, it’s time to do what you need to do. Like my mother-in-law likes to say, ” You got to put your big girl drawls on.” If you don’t, it can cause a lot of confusion and emotional turmoil.
Loving someone is a completely natural process. It is an intense practice that requires a lot of effort and balancing the different sides of a relationship. But blindly loving someone whom you cannot have in your life, leads to hurt and disappointment. It can be challenging. You can heal. You can heal from a broken heart. You can move on from someone that you have grown feelings for, but can’t have.
This process can come with some grief and distress. However, you are strong! You’re like that little tea bag floating around in that hot, boiling water. You feel the heat, but you will not break! If you keep going, a little longer, just a little bit more, stay in there, don’t throw in the towel, and stay through until the right time, you will have the best sweet tea of your life!
The sweetest, sweet tea that you would never have been able to enjoy if you didn’t withstand the heat for a little while.
How long does it take to get over an unrequited love?
Take baby steps: There is no standard time frame to get over unrequited love. Patience is the ultimate key to anything in life. It is the same as the case with love. It can feel like a great disaster for you and the relationship you thought existed. You will need time for
yourself to deal with the situation and to understand the fact that the person you are in love with cannot be yours.
When you have feelings for someone and you know that you cannot have that particular person, it’s a feeling and a process that can be frustrating, disappointing, and disheartening all at the same time. Let things move gradually and naturally.
Don’t pressure yourself. Try to think and focus on the positive things that are going on in your life and all around you as you are moving on with your life. Do positive things to show love to yourself and romanticize yourself.
Do you ever move on from unrequited love?
Surround yourself with people who love and care for you:
Yes, you can move on from unrequited love. There are plenty of people around you who love and care for you and who can be a great support for you in difficult times.
Surround yourself with positive people. Surround yourself with family and friends. Just because you cannot have a particular person in your life, doesn’t mean you don’t have anyone else remaining. Focus on gratitude for the people and relationships that are not unrequited love like your family and friends.
Do things that make you happy and make you feel good. Do them alone, if that is what you are needing. Or, do them with the people in your life that you trust, that genuinely love you, and who you sincerely love you too. You will unconsciously teach yourself how it feels and what it looks like to receive the love that is mutual.
Surround yourself with those people who are already there for you when you have dealt with challenges, disappointments, and heartbreak, and know how to console you through hardships.
How do I stop caring about unrequited love?
Don’t be so hard on yourself:
You are in pain right now and coping with it requires a great deal of time, patience, and persistence to handle it, but you surely will because nothing lasts forever.
Don’t put pressure on yourself and you will see that this disappointment is going to settle in your heart very soon. In time, you will not feel or think about this person or the unrequited love. That person and the love you once felt for them is going to fade away and you will discover new charms and beauties of life.
Focus on self-care. Participate in activities and hobbies that make you happy. For example, simple daily activities like going for walks or hiking. Create an at-home spa day with a bubble bath, manicure, and pedicure, and do a skin facial routine. Go to a restaurant or shop that you have been wanting to go to, but have been putting it off.
Work on your hobby that you love or give yourself the time to get quiet and find something that gives you joy. A hobby that piques your interest. Focus on your physical health, exercise, drink water, and eat healthy, nutritious meals.
I know these things sound simple, but it’s the simple things in life that most often bring the most joy. If you’re a mom, get someone to watch the kids for a few hours and create this moment for yourself. Don’t feel guilty about leaving the kids or about making time for yourself. Self-care is necessary, not selfish.
Self-Care Ideas for Until You Feel Better from Unrequited Love
Simple Self Care: • Find someone to whom you can tell everything without the fear of being judged and without hesitation.
• Exercise and take long walks while spending some time with nature.
• Let the emotions come to you naturally, do not try to push yourself and impose certain things.
• Cry if you want to
• Watch your favorite movies
• Cook and eat your favorite food
• Go shopping
• Rebuild your confidence and trust your abilities
How do you detach from someone you love deeply?
Set some rules and follow them:
In order to get over someone it is important to set some rules and strictly follow them. First, you have to set some boundaries between you and that person.
- You will need to lessen contact with him/her if you wish to heal yourself. Do not put limitations on places that you go, but if you know this person likes to go to “Restaurant A” every Friday for happy hour, don’t you go take yourself up to “Restaurant A” dressed to impress because you want this person to see you and you want to see them. You will simply prolong your healing journey and at the end of the day if its unrequited love (someone who does not share the same feelings for you) that is not benefiting you and it will not change how this person feels about you, even if you are dressed to the nine.
- Learn to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Many times you stick to relationships and stick around the same people and do the same things even when you know that it is no longer serving you. It is often because these people and these things serve as a place of comfort and familiarity. Our brains often want us to stick with what we know, who we know, and the routines because there will be no real surprises there. When you venture into territory where things are new, unexpected, and different it’s uncomfortable. You don’t know what will come afterward and what that will look like for you. However, when you know that you need different in your life and you deserve better, you have to open yourself, and your mind to the opportunity for change to happen. Change happens every day and in everything around us. You were subjected to change when you were in your mother’s womb. You learned from infancy how to change and embrace it. If you take a moment and reflect on your life, there have been many changes that have occurred. Some good and so much. However, when you embrace change, you embrace growth. You embrace your potential to receive love and live life in the most beautiful way; one that you would have never known to even be possible, but you will have to embrace change.
- You will need to embrace the “F” word. You will have to FORGIVE this person. Forgive and move on; forgiveness is necessary. It’s necessary for you, not for them. It is necessary to help you release all the anger, hurt, and disappointment that you’ve experienced and become free to live your life to the fullest with or without them.
- Be particular and guarded with your time. We only get so much of it here on Earth. Choose wisely who you choose to allow in it and what you choose to do with it. Spending your time thinking of a person that is not of any benefit to you, does not serve you or your best interest. Love feels good and is reciprocated. If it does not feel good, if it is not reciprocated, it is not love. You will not have to convince anyone that truly loves and care about you that they should love you and care about you. You shouldn’t be with someone that doesn’t see and know your value. Therefore, you have to understand your value. Know that you are worthy of unconditional love. Know that you deserve respect. Anyone that doesn’t know this and show this, is not worth your time or energy.
- Engage in self-care. Self-care is all about doing things that take care of your mind, body, and soul. When you are healing your heart, self-care is so important to this process. Find things that make you feel special and do it for yourself. If you like flowers, buy yourself flowers. If you like to cook, cook your favorite meal. If you like to shop, go out and buy something nice for yourself. And if you like to get your nails painted, go out and get a mani and pedi or do an at-home spa day and pamper yourself. When you take the time to show love to yourself, you will also show others how you expect to be treated. You will start to set healthy boundaries that will show others that you love yourself and that you will not allow them to mistreat you.
You are important:
It has happened in some way, shape, form, or fashion for all of us in some season of our lives. Every one of us develops an infatuation with someone special and is just blinded in love. You get impressed with their looks or personality and in these fascinations, we think that the feeling we have towards them is love.
You may even think about the longevity of the relationship and start to imagine your future with them. However, remember, you are the only one who matters most in your life (and your kids if you have them).
In unrequited love, you have to decide to put yourself first. It doesn’t matter whether anybody is in your life or not, it doesn’t matter at all. The person who should be happy and loved is you, yourself. You are the one who is most important and you must value yourself.
You must love yourself. Don’t singularly put your focus on an unrequited love because this love can’t grow or be reciprocated and you’ll end up actually neglecting yourself. Take care of yourself, think about your dreams, and focus on your goals and ambitions. And when you start doing so, you will realize that there are a lot of new things and open opportunities for you to explore.
Then, the right relationship will bloom, with the right person, it will come at the right time, and it will be a beautiful and mutual love. In the meantime, focus on you.
You will find out that you have the right to be happy as much as anybody else. At the end of the day, you are the only one who matters the most.
Self-care is an important part of the healing journey. Download my self-care Ebook to help you.
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